Are you a wanker? If you're reading this, you probably are just that. Yes, being called a 'wanker’ is an insult on one side of the pond, but we mean it in the way that you probably just like to masturbate on occasion as part of a healthy sex life. It's better than someone accusing you of 'choking a chicken,' right? OK, just stick with us, and these euphemisms for masturbation will all make sense. Let's dive into some seriously ridiculous and funny ways to say I got myself off. 

1. Choking the Chicken

The origin of this euphemism is a bit darker than the rest, so let's just get it out of the way. We don't need to go too deep, and you probably don't want to think too deeply about it, either. Just know that it is a widely used term when it comes to, uh, choking the chicken.

2. Flogging the Dolphin

Why all the references to animals being beaten? We're not sure. But there's another one further down this list. Whoever came up with this euphemism is being too kind because dolphins are smart, and the proverbial dolphin, in this case, is most certainly not. 

3. Wanking

Oi! Mate, you're a complete wanker. Yes, you! Again, being called a wanker is mostly an insult worldwide, but it also refers to the act of wanking — you know, masturbating. 

4. Spanking the Monkey

Now we jump over to the other side of the pond! While nobody calls someone a 'monkey-spanker' in the States, the term 'spanking the monkey' is the American equivalent of wanking. 

5. Making the Bald Man Cry

Those are tears of joy! Unless you're really doing something wrong to that bald man…  

6. Jackin' the Beanstalk

The goal of 'jackin' the beanstalk' is to 'blow your beans' — magic beans, we guess? 

7. Scratching Yoda Behind the Ears

This must be self-deprecating humor, right? Yoda is small — and that's not something any guy wants his dick to be known for. He's also wise, which is not a term one thinks of when it comes to a penis. Still… use this, you will. 

8. Palmela Handerson

You know you're a sex symbol when you not only defined a decade of beauty, but your name also became a euphemism for an act that so many men did when watching you on Baywatch.

9. Five-Knuckle Shuffle

The five-knuckle shuffle is obviously a euphemism for when you take matters into your own hands — well, hand. So, get a grip, would you! 

10. Shaking Hands with the Unemployed

The unemployed? He goes by the name Will E. Johnson. But there are a lot of pseudonyms. 'Johnson' might not always be unemployed — it just depends on the relationship status of his colleague, who can keep a tight grip on him.